Eddie Howe, Cesc Fabregas, Antonio Conte and Julian Nagelsmann have all given or been granted ‘green lights’ at Man Utd. Which doesn’t work.

There might a traffic jam at Old Trafford, updates on which can be chucked into the Michael Carrick LIVE blog.

The grass is always greener
The media has decided that one particular phrase is especially powerful when discussing Manchester United right now, even if the apparent spate of GREEN LIGHTS make it sound as though Old Trafford is hosting Squid Game.

All the elements of a solid joke are in there: a dystopian, dog-eat-dog thriller overseen by a bored, wealthy billionaire, in which a great many (careers) are brutally murdered. And that globally popular Netflix series. It’s good stuff.

But dig beyond the surface level of those GREEN LIGHTS and the edifice soon comes crumbling down.

On the Daily Express website alone we have these three headlines:

‘Eddie Howe ‘makes decision on Man Utd job’ after getting important green light’

‘Cesc Fabregas has been given Man Utd green light as he refuses Michael Carrick question’

‘Man Utd news: Michael Carrick replacement ‘gives green light’ to take over now’

And, well, three people cannot be given the simultaneous ‘green light’ in this context. To severely labour the metaphor, someone will have to give way here.

Except these ‘green lights’ are not really green lights at all.

Howe, who is currently out of work, is surprisingly ‘understood to be keen’ to take one of the biggest jobs in world football, and the ‘important’ seal of approval he received was from Roy Keane in January.

Are you listening, Big Sir Jim?

Fabregas was told by Como president Mirwan Suwarso in the summer that “he’s free to go to Chelsea if he wishes”, which a) definitely doesn’t mean he’s literally “free to go”, as compensation would be involved, and b) is specifically not him being ‘given Man Utd green light’.

Conte, also currently out of work, would also shockingly ‘accept the role’ if it was offered.

That, being as generous as possible, is three amber lights at best.

Except then there’s also this from the Express on Friday:

‘Antonio Conte demands two things to take Man Utd job after Michael Carrick sack call’

Because of bloody course Antonio actual Conte ‘has insisted upon complete control over transfer dealings, as well as the authority to appoint his own backroom team’. And thus has green-lit nothing at all.

And it’s LIVE
This, by the way, is also pure, unadulterated, Daily Express-coded twaddle:

‘Michael Carrick LIVE: Man Utd boss to break silence after sack decision twist’

The bloke has spoken really quite frequently, including in his last possible public appointment after the Como defeat in midweek. There is no silence to break.

Slightly in love with the concept of a Michael Carrick LIVE blog starting at early on Friday morning, mind. Unless we have updates on how many times he snoozed his alarm, what he had for breakfast and how long his daily 9am FaceTime with Sir Alex Ferguson was, it feels like a promise which cannot possibly be properly delivered upon.

Nage-ing feeling
Back to those GREEN LIGHTS, though, and next is this:

‘Julian Nagelsmann gives Man Utd green light as Michael Carrick replacement identified’ – Daily Mirror website.

‘Man United latest: Julian Nagelsmann gives green light as Fabian Hurzeler takes stance’ – Manchester Evening News.

Two stories aggregated from a Daily Telegraph exclusive which states only that Nagelsmann ‘would listen to an approach’ if Manchester United a) sack Carrick, and b) actually make one.

And again, it’s just not a ‘green light’, is it? Stop getting green lights wrong – even if they are preferable to the unprecedented outbreak of Carrick ‘sack decisions’ reached on Friday morning, to describe the decision of doing absolutely nothing.

Keep it short
‘Three managers ‘on Man Utd shortlist’ to replace Michael Carrick after board meeting leak’ – Daily Express website.

‘Man United’s five-man shortlist to replace Michael Carrick revealed: Fabian Hurzeler admired but Brighton compensation obstacle looms, while Eddie Howe and Julian Nagelsmann are in the race for Old Trafford hotseat’ – MailOnline.

‘Unai Emery leads six candidates to replace Michael Carrick at Man Utd’ – The I Paper.

The INEOS brains trust strikes again, this time inventing the ever-lengthening shortlist.

What’s my name?
The Express website has moved on from the Carrick stuff as of 11:40am on Friday, instead leading with this:

‘Andre Onana in horror high-speed car crash as Man Utd goalkeeper rushed to hospital’

There is definitely not a far better way of getting across the message that Onana ‘was taken to hospital, but discharged soon afterwards’ in that headline.

Mike drop
There was some actual football on Thursday evening, with The Sun enjoying proceedings as Bournemouth beat Milan.

But a game-changing red card does appear to have entirely frazzled their brains:

‘Maignan, 31, was given his marching orders after sensationally shoving Tyler Adams in the face.’

Don’t know what, if anything, upgraded it from an ordinary shove in the face to a ‘sensational’ one, but sure.

‘Greek referee Vasilis Fotias wasted no time brandishing a red card following the Frenchman’s bizarre outburst.’

It didn’t feel particularly bizarre-outburst adjacent. Sounds more like an explosive post-match interview.

‘Bournemouth then took advantage of Maignan’s X-rated shove to give themselves a two-goal cushion through Tavernier.’

To paraphrase Roy Hodgson: let’s not take the f***ing p*ss here. Unless Maignan dropped a visible c-bomb on the replay, or stuck a middle finger up at the prone Adams, ‘X-rated shove’ is nonsense of the very possibly woke variety.