Liverpool are just ‘far too nice’ and not ‘streetwise’ enough, as evidenced against Arsenal (if you happen to ignore a fair few things).

It can only be Mediawatch…

Nuno way
Mediawatch has particularly enjoyed The Sun website‘s coverage of the ongoing West Ham manager situation on Tuesday morning, including this…

‘West Ham SACK Nuno after two straight losses with ex-Prem boss to take over’

Which, while technically true, slightly underplays the fact he relegated them and has arguably the strongest squad in the Championship in 8th behind Stoke after 13 games.

But before that came one of the great uses of ‘just days after’:

‘West Ham ‘considering SACKING Nuno Espirito Santo’ just days after Harry Kane ‘snub’ at Ballon d’Or’

It doesn’t feel like Kane not mentioning Nuno by name in his Ballon d’Or speech came into West Ham’s thinking when sacking their manager.

‘acked off
This from the Daily Mirror website surely did, mind.

‘The decision came after a 3-1 home loss vs West Bromwich Albion on Saturday, where some sections of the home fans sang ‘acked in the morning’ to the manager.’

Must be Cockney rhyming slang.

Word play
Speaking of chants, this is great work from the Newcastle Chronicle:

‘Newcastle fans’ three-word brutal chant from dark old days sums up abysmal night’

‘Three-word brutal chant’ sounds weird; just swap them around. But please, do go on…

‘It is never a good sign when the Gallowgate End are forced to wheel out a terrace golden oldie – but as the rain lashed down on Matthias Jaissle with six minutes left, it could be heard loud and clear.

‘The simple chant of “attack, attack, attack” will have been lost on CEO David Hopkinson and sporting director Ross Wilson. But special club guest Alan Shearer would not have needed reminding of its significance, because unfortunately the Toon legend heard it many times during the dark days of Kenny Dalglish and Ruud Gullit.’

That’s…that’s one word. And not an especially ‘brutal’ one.

Nice try
Over at The Athletic, a second defeat of the season continues to be handled with humility by Liverpool.

‘Are Liverpool too nice?’ asks the headline to a James Pearce piece which begins with the meticulous construction of the most straw-based of men:

‘Imagine the scenario.

‘Arsenal’s Christos Tzolis swings a dangerous cross in from the left flank and Liverpool right-back Ronald Araujo panics after allowing Kai Havertz to get goal side of him.

‘A blatant shirt pull from the Uruguayan prevents Havertz from directing a header goalwards, and the ball drifts harmlessly behind for a goal kick.

‘You don’t need to be Nostradamus to predict what would have happened if that sequence of events had transpired at Anfield on Sunday.

‘Having felt the tug on his jersey, Havertz would have made the infringement clear by falling to the turf before leading appeals for a penalty.

‘The Germany international might even have been joined in his protests to referee Andy Madley by team-mates demanding intervention from the video assistant referee Stuart Attwell. The restart would have been held up by Attwell reviewing the incident from a number of different angles.’

For some reason, Mediawatch read the opening paragraph of ‘imagine the scenario’ and didn’t then expect to see five more pained paragraphs on an entirely imagined scenario in which Liverpool are coincidentally remarkably hard done by. And that admittedly is completely on us.

The whole pretence that ‘Liverpool as a team are far too nice’ revolves almost solely around the Isak penalty call – there is some stuff about time-wasting, but Pearce surely isn’t naive enough to think Liverpool wouldn’t also run the clock down when winning 1-0? – and how ‘the dark arts don’t come naturally to them’.

Pearce does, in the next paragraph, reference Alexis Mac Allister trying to get Noni Madueke sent off for a phantom headbutt, which felt quite dark-artsy and not really ‘too nice’.

He then adds:

‘Sometimes it just needs a flashpoint to ignite the Anfield atmosphere. Thunder into a tackle, risk a booking, create some needle.’

There is precisely zero mention of Trey Nyoni spending the first 10 minutes asking for a yellow by hacking at ankles. Not thunderously enough, clearly.

Imagine the scenario: one team commits 18 fouls to another’s ten, the former now leading the entire Premier League for fouls committed this season, while ranking joint-third for most bookings and joint-fourth for red cards.

That team is then described as ‘far too nice’, not ‘streetwise’ enough and that ‘the dark arts don’t come naturally to them’. Bit daft, isn’t it?

It isn’t made clear at any point by Pearce how Liverpool’s friendly, affable nature meant they couldn’t muster a shot on target at home in 90 minutes. They’re presumably just too bloody lovely for their own good.

My name is Erl
The Sun website know what they’re doing with this headline…

‘Did Haaland cost City title? Liverpool v Arsenal chaos shows cheats prosper’

…to a Martin Lipton piece which is explicitly ‘not a criticism of Haaland’, but instead goes to town on playacting and the perpetrators thereof.

‘Indeed, there is an irony that the player who decided NOT to go down when he could have last season may have actually cost his side the title,’ Lipton writes, further diluting a headline question which accidentally implies a discussion about this campaign rather than something which happened seven sodding months ago.

‘Players other than Manchester City’s Erling Haaland would have hit the deck rather than stay on their feet when Gabriel — yes, THAT Gabriel, the one who has evident balance problems — put his head in at the Etihad in April.

‘Had the 6ft 5in Norwegian striker been less resilient, Arsenal, rocking after surrendering a seemingly impregnable advantage, would have been without the Brazilian for the next three games.’

It’s a bit ‘if my grandmother had wheels’. William Saliba was still there, as were a great many other rather tall darkartsmen, for the undeniable tests of: mid-table Newcastle at home on a three-game losing streak with little to play for; the most beach-adjacent Fulham team in history; and relegated West Ham, all of which Arsenal would have obviously lost without an admittedly very important but not absolutely imperative or irreplaceable player.

Gabriel being sent off would obviously have helped Manchester City not drop points against Everton and Bournemouth thereafter too. It was a real turning point in the title race. Everyone was saying it. You couldn’t move for someone saying Haaland had f**ked City over.

Forward thinking
Credit to BBC Sport for fighting so honourably against the rising scourge of AI in journalism; say what you want about ChatGPT, but it would never ‘write’ something like this:

‘On what the answer is going forward, Iraola added: “The answer is you have to dive, if you don’t dive they won’t call it.

‘Isak turned and spoke to Timber after the incident, but did not appeal to the referee after staying on his feet.

‘Iraola told Sky Sports that going forward, managers should tell their players to go to the floor.

‘On if he will tell Isak that going forward, he added: “Yes, definitely.”

‘He elaborated in his news conference when asked by BBC Sport if he would have to tell his players to be more smart, going forward.’

Four instances of ‘going forward’ in five paragraphs (Jeremy), with three in succession. Andoni Iraola: not a man who can be accused of living in the past.