Forget Halloween. Forget haunted houses. Forget whatever nightmare factory Hollywood is cooking up next. If Bayern Munich players were horror movie villains, the Bundesliga would need a support group, a priest, and probably a few extra goalkeepers.

Let’s just say that facing this Bayern Munich squad would be less like playing a football match and more like starring in a horror franchise where nobody makes it to the sequel.

He floats into the final third, smiles at his helpless victims, and then proceeds to make their next 90 minutes a living nightmare. His vision is disturbingly good, his passing is frightening, and his ability to make defenders disappear is downright supernatural. You’ll see him in your dreams.

He floats into the final third, smiles at his helpless victims, and then proceeds to make their next 90 minutes a living nightmare. His vision is disturbingly good, his passing is frightening, and his ability to make defenders disappear is downright supernatural. You’ll see him in your nightmares.

The original boogeyman. You think you’ve finally beaten him, you think you’ve found an opening, and then somehow he’s standing right in front of you again. Neuer has been terrifying strikers for so long that some of them have probably retired simply to avoid seeing him in the penalty area.

His ability to dribble through defenders is practically dreamlike. Opponents go to sleep thinking they’ve figured him out, only to wake up screaming after he’s danced through their entire defense. You can’t escape Musiala by closing your eyes. That’s when he does his best work.

An absolute physical nightmare. When Upa is in full flight, opposing attackers hear the chainsaw, look over their shoulders, and realize they have approximately 0.3 seconds to make a decision. Sometimes he catches you. Sometimes he catches absolutely everything.

You thought you were entering a football match. Congratulations, you’ve entered another dimension of suffering. Tah is big, imposing, and not particularly interested in making life comfortable for opposing forwards. Welcome to the pain box.

He doesn’t necessarily need to tackle you. He’ll simply give you a tactical puzzle with 14 possible solutions, none of which you can figure out before he steals the ball. The game is simple: survive 90 minutes against Kimmich’s pressing traps. Most participants fail.

Terrifying, relentless, and absolutely capable of ruining your afternoon. You think you’ve dealt with him, only to discover he’s somehow back, running at you again. And again. And again. There is no escaping the little menace.

He has identified his target, locked on, and will chase it to the ends of the earth. You can hide behind a teammate, run into another part of the pitch, or attempt to disguise yourself as a footballer. Laimer will find you. His energy levels are frankly unnatural.

You never quite know which version you’re going to get. Sometimes he’s lurking in the shadows. Sometimes he transforms into an absolute goal-scoring monster. When the full moon comes out, defenders should probably stay indoors.

He’ll defend, he’ll attack, he’ll play wherever he’s needed, and he’ll keep coming back. You think you’ve found a weakness? He’ll adapt. You think you’ve escaped? He’ll be back. His versatility is almost machine-like.

Don’t let the baby face fool you. He’s mischievous and absolutely loves causing trouble. Defenders think they’re dealing with an inexperienced teenager until Karl starts making them look silly. He’s after more than gold — he’s after your clean sheet.

The master of the castle. He sits in his dugout, watches his opponents wander into his carefully constructed traps, and occasionally sends his minionsout to drain the life out of them. Unlike Dracula, Kompany doesn’t need to wait until nighttime to strike.

Opponents arrive at the Allianz Arena full of confidence, optimism, and dreams of a memorable result. Ninety minutes later, they’re looking forthe nearest exit, wondering what on earth just happened.

Happy Halloween, Bundesliga. Sleep tight.

Given that this is our Halloween edition, let’s celebrate the day with this spooky mix of songs:

We are separating the artist from the art here…

Are there any you wish we included? Drop them in the comments below…

We are running this back.

Speaking of Halloween, it represents a season where I usually get to sneak some candy from whatever haul my kid’s get. Let’s take a look at the Top 12 items I hope to see:

What’s your go-to Halloween candy?

Neither team enters this match at 100%, but both are determined and hungry to walk out of the Allianz Arena in sole possession of first place in the Bundesliga.

Right now, the two squads are tied atop the table, but the Bavarians hold the edge on goal differential. This should be a battle, but it feels like one of those games where Bayern Munich’s tandem of Michael Olise and Harry Kane are going to be a little too much for BVB to handle.

It will not be a cakewalk for Bayern Munich, but it will be a match where Bayern Munich’s top-end attackers rule the day.

Prediction: Bayern München 3-1 Borussia Dortmund

Other Bundesliga predictions include: