Kai Rooney might have had a pop at JJ Gabriel. But also may not have. Nobody knows. What is clear is that Harry Kane has gone power-mad.

But first, Michael Carrick does not admit to being stunned at his continued employment.

Taking the Michael
Mediawatch is mildly amused by the coverage of Michael Carrick’s latest Manchester United pre-match press conference.

Granted, a great many expected there not to be another of Michael Carrick’s Manchester United pre-match press conferences, but he remains sitting in the hottest of seats for now.

And it is unknown precisely what many of those in attendance expected him to say when he broke a supposed silence on Thursday.

‘TO LISTEN to Michael Carrick, you would think the circus surrounding Manchester United had packed up and left town,’ writes Katherine Walsh of The Sun.

‘The Red Devils’ under-fire boss carried himself in his press conference to preview the trip to Chelsea as if it were business as usual, apparently not living on a game-by-game basis, and his job was not on the line.

‘While debate rages about his future, Carrick, 45, desperately holds on to an illusion of calm, acting as though it were all quiet on the Old Trafford front.’

And, well… yeah. What was he supposed to do? Say it’s all gone to complete sh*t and he should have been sacked by now?

Over at the Daily Mail, Chris Wheeler begins:

‘Michael Carrick insists that he isn’t surprised to still be Manchester United’s head coach despite intense speculation over his future at Old Trafford.’

And James Ducker of the Daily Telegraph writes:

‘Michael Carrick said he was “not surprised” to keep his job as Manchester United manager and confirmed Bruno Fernandes would remain captain.’

Imagine how absurd it would be if he turned up at Carrington and admitted he’d spent the last few days packing his things, expecting a chat with Jason Wilcox which never came.

It’s a question – he was literally asked “are you surprised you’re still here this week?” – Carrick can’t answer in any other way without looking hopelessly stupid.

There is a phenomenal effort from Goal to differentiate their coverage of the exact same quotes as everyone else with this:

‘Revealed: Why Michael Carrick is ‘not surprised’ to still be Man Utd manager despite horror run’

The ‘reveal’ – we think, because it really isn’t made clear whatsoever in the story – being that Carrick’s ‘sole focus remains on rectifying the current crisis on the pitch rather than fearing for his job’. Which is crucially not a reveal.

And yes, according to the Daily Mirror, Daily Express and Sun websites, this was Carrick ‘breaking his silence’ on a topic he has inevitably spoken about at every available public opportunity for the last two months, largely saying nothing of note each time.

Keane as mustard
This is an even more curious headline from The Sun website:

‘Roy Keane risks wrath of Carrick’s wife again as he says ‘lucky’ Man Utd boss needs to ‘grow a pair and get results’’

Amount of times Keane mentions Carrick’s wife in saying he’s “lucky” to still be Manchester United manager? For once, zero. But of course the digital sports reporter of a tabloid website has decided to invoke her name anyway.

The elephant in the Roon
The actual big story coming out of Old Trafford is that Kai Rooney did some goals for the U18s. Four of them. That’s insane, Jeremy.

But one of those strikes in particular, or rather the celebration thereof, is what caught the eye for some people. And is how we get to this sort of story:

‘Kai Rooney aims apparent dig at JJ Gabriel as Man Utd starlet grabs the headlines’

The opening paragraph from Patrick Austen-Hardy of the Daily Express website reiterates that: ‘Kai Rooney appeared to have a dig at Manchester United team-mate JJ Gabriel while celebrating a goal.’

We are told that with Gabriel ‘still at an impasse with United, Rooney’s celebration for his second goal, which saw him put his arm across his face and do a gun finger in a similar manner to Gabriel, could be interpreted as a dig at his wantaway team-mate’.

If you need clicks, yes.

It is added that, ‘only Rooney would know if he was taking a swipe at Gabriel’. But sod it, might as well say with no inside information or accountability and ample confidence that it was probably a pop.

In a story for the Manchester Evening News, Steven Railston adds that: ‘It’s impossible to say for sure, but it did seem like a dig at Gabriel, whose camp has pushed for an exit over alleged broken promises.’

So ‘it’s impossible to say for sure’ and ‘only Rooney would know’ if copying a team-mate’s celebration was a dig/swipe. Yet we have two stories from prominent publications happily just assuming it was a dig/swipe and chucking it out there into the ether, manufacturing controversy between two teenagers where there really might be none.

And there absolutely could be some. Rooney might despise Gabriel and decided that the best way to convey those feelings was obviously to emulate his celebration in a common and accepted sign of disrespect. They also might get on perfectly fine. But we do not know so probably shouldn’t just guess.

Will power
May The Sun website and those of its ilk never grow up – or more specifically out of the habit of treating those who deal in football statistics like genius-level lab scientists.

They lean on the number crunchers to reveal that Chelsea are, in fact, better when talented footballer Estevao Willian plays, which is quite the discovery.

And thankfully ‘the boffins and brainiacs at Opta’ are credited for their work.

This, it has to be said, is pretty compelling proof that Xabi Alonso is an idiot:

‘Since making his Chelsea debut in August 2025, the Samba starlet has started 22 matches in all competitions.

‘The Blues have won 11 of these contests, giving them a win percentage of 50 – while they have only triumphed 45.8 per cent of the games in which he has not been picked from the start.’

So Chelsea win ever so slightly more games when Estevao starts compared to when he doesn’t.

It should probably be pointed out that the only two Chelsea victories he has started in since February were against Championship side Hull and Port Vale of relegation to League Two fame.

Bloody boffins and brainiacs.

Suit you, sir
‘Harry Kane makes knighthood admission as he sets out demand for name change’ – Daily Mirror website.

Ah yes, the famously demanding Harry Kane. What’s his latest high-maintenance ultimatum?

‘Harry Kane would be honoured to receive a knighthood but admits he would demand his peers avoid calling him ‘Sir’.’

That definitely sounds like the single most Harry Kane thing to ever do. Not sure we can stomach reading these despotic quotes in full.

‘When questioned about how ‘Sir Harry Kane’ sounded, the 33-year-old replied: “It sounds good, but it would feel kind of strange if everyone called me Sir – so for now, I’ll just stick with Harry.”‘